I Poured My Heart Out...
I debated over making this post for fear of sounding whiny or sacrilegious. But the truth is I've gotta get it out somewhere and it would sure help if someone could give me something to hang onto here. I'd like to think of myself as a fairly decent individual, and a pretty good listener. I also know I'm not the only person in the world with the problems I have. I know I'm not the only person who wishes there was someone here with me at night, be it a close friend or a significant other. I know I'm not the only Christian who isn't always the example I should be.
So why is it that when I go to church and go to life group (formerly known as Sunday School) and pour my heart out I feel judged? I openly admitted I've been out of a small group for some time, that I can easily get wrapped up in my work and my schooling, and that I'm not the best at Bible reading daily like I should. And I wasn't the only one to admit such things. Yet no one really had any good support or comments. In fact, I don't recall anyone having ANYTHING to say.
Is this because they know my family and they are wondering what the heck happened with me? Is it because I also admitted that, being single, it is very easy for me to draw up into myself and avoid the world? Well guess what, that's the truth. And I don't think I'm the only one there either.
Ok, so I don't know what I want anybody to say to me to help me out with this. I guess I just wonder if I'm insane, if I'm asking for too much...
...or something. I'm tired of sitting here crying, wishing for one nearby friend. I'm tired of feeling alone even in a crowd. And I'm really troubled that, even when I've made the effort, the one place I SHOULD be able to get some support seems to be the last place to get any. I want it all to work out, really. I want to go to church and feel comfortable there. But I'm not, which seriously troubles me. Because if as someone who has been church-active all my life feels uncomfortable...
...well I think you can figure where I'm going with that.
So why is it that when I go to church and go to life group (formerly known as Sunday School) and pour my heart out I feel judged? I openly admitted I've been out of a small group for some time, that I can easily get wrapped up in my work and my schooling, and that I'm not the best at Bible reading daily like I should. And I wasn't the only one to admit such things. Yet no one really had any good support or comments. In fact, I don't recall anyone having ANYTHING to say.
Is this because they know my family and they are wondering what the heck happened with me? Is it because I also admitted that, being single, it is very easy for me to draw up into myself and avoid the world? Well guess what, that's the truth. And I don't think I'm the only one there either.
Ok, so I don't know what I want anybody to say to me to help me out with this. I guess I just wonder if I'm insane, if I'm asking for too much...
...or something. I'm tired of sitting here crying, wishing for one nearby friend. I'm tired of feeling alone even in a crowd. And I'm really troubled that, even when I've made the effort, the one place I SHOULD be able to get some support seems to be the last place to get any. I want it all to work out, really. I want to go to church and feel comfortable there. But I'm not, which seriously troubles me. Because if as someone who has been church-active all my life feels uncomfortable...
...well I think you can figure where I'm going with that.
posted by StargazerGirl at 11:15 PM
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